Lack of Self Esteem

Have you ever walked past a group of people and as you walk past them to experience this awkward feeling that they all have their eyes on you and are studying your every step as they analyze your movement and the way you look. You feel uneasy; your self esteem sinks.

You get this feeling that they only want to embarrass you because of your looks and will later be left to gossip about you. You feel much worried about the state of your body. Then questions linger in your mind…

• Is your body great?
• Are you overweight?
• Why does everyone seem negatively opinionated against plus size ladies?
• Can’t these idlers mind there business and do something constructive?

The questions are endless but with no meaningful responses. You allude to your brain that it’s normal. You lie to yourself that you really are never concerned about what people think of you and your overweight body. You console yourself that you are not the only Canadian who is plus size. You remember a co-worker who actually weighs over 20 pounds more than you do and claims to feel great about her body.

She always tells you how okay it is for her and there is really nothing to be worried about. A smile pops up on you face. It lasts a few seconds and quickly fades away as you approach yet another group of students who are waiting for their school bus.

You take a deep breathe to encourage yourself and lift up your spirits. You feel troubled that maybe a student might do something naughty as you pass along and end up causing more embarrassment to you.

You pass by. No one seems to notice you. They continue chattering to themselves and are completely oblivious of you. You take a deep breathe and heave a sigh of relief. You think that it’s time you revisit your decision of enrolling to a diet program, or a fitness program. You prioritize the idea.

 
 

Procrastination and Fear of Unknown.

I have had to face such situations. Not once or twice; a couple of times. What really frustrates me after such demeaning incident is the fact that I get this overwhelming feeling that I need to loose some pounds as soon as possible. But whenever I try, I fail at sticking to the diet plan or any fitness schedule altogether I can’t get this crave for another ‘snack’ out of my mind.

You end up thinking that your weight is okay and that there are really no big issues to worry or stress about. You forget the long tirades, from your family or friends, about the health complications which are triggered by being over-weight.

This is what happens to many Canadians as they try to lose some weight. I was undergoing the same or much related issues. But that was the start of my weight ‘woes’. You can bet that more were to come. And they would be more sinister. What happened left completely shattered, hopeless, frustrated and so lonely that I would contemplate some nasty issues because life had lost its importance.

The Bad News and Aftermath.

It all happened when my fiance broke the news that we had to call off the weddings plan. As if that was not enough, he also decided to end everything that we had together. No more weddings; no more relationships. Everything came to an end in that instance. My whole world came crumbling down.

He was much reluctant to provide reasons for all that confusion, only noting that he wasn’t happy in the relationship. But after much desperate pressing, pleading and weeping, he gave me the bitter pill to swallow. He categorically stated his dissatisfaction with my weight which he let me understand that he couldn’t withstand.

He then left. He didn’t even look back as I begged him not to leave me in such a desperate state. Actually he must have gone momentarily deaf then. He walked out the door and left me handle ‘my problems’. After lots of reflections, meditations and lamentations, I put myself together. He was right; absolutely right about the entire fracas. The whole sad issue was a problem we had sat down and talked about for maybe the umpteenth time.

He always made me understand the implications of being plus size. We came up with possible solutions but I never heeded any. Before engagement I promised to start some simple work-out. But I failed him. Eventually he was gone. Long gone and my lesson needed no other session to be understood.